Post by BD on Feb 11, 2008 22:20:03 GMT -5
Inspired by the Bastard Operator from Hell, I have created this travesty against humanity, let's get this party started.
The Jackass Customer From Hell #1
I arrive in the workplace on time as always. Crack of noon, i'm never late. Oh wait, I don't work here, thank God, after all, no one will want to work here after i'm done with these pitiful failures of humanity. Working as a late night security guard does have one perk, I can have a second job for kicks on top of the first.
Ah, the local Wal-mart, the smells (Pork rinds, kids sharting in trash cans...), the sights (400-pound ladies in scooters, rednecks with mullets past the ass), the utter lack of decor. I do enjoy this stop everyday.
Oh look, it's the local employee trainer, Clint, better duck behind some local camo (Read: Aisle 9 clearance motor oil). Clint and I are mortal enemies destined to fight all the way to the next life. He vowed to assault me until the end of time, what a crazy... Something about the fact that I have a hobby of getting every employee he trains/attempts to train fired within a week of their arrival or less. (Ah good old Chucky, to think it took me seven days to get rid of your little face) Not my fault he never does seem to teach his employees what this customer wants...
Clint already has his newest baby with him apparently. The name tag, or rather, part of the trainee nametag that says "your name here" says Richard. Richard is a very depressed bald man with jowls and what appears to be a small scrape on his arm. He's obviously from a trailer park and just needed a job to pay the utilities this month. Let's see if Richard is up to Clint's usual lack of standard employee training.
I approach Richard, Clint is apparently cleaning one of their Value HD tvs with what appears to be a mixture of baby puke and hydrochloric acid with a paper towel to boot. He hands the bucket to Richard. Time for a visit from the know-it-all customer.
"Excuse me, does that solution properly work on glass; because it looks to me like that is too harsh on the glass. Recite to me the ingredients of the bucket." I say with my very typical hands on the hips.
"Look man, I don't know, my supervisor just gave it to me and said it would work." Poor Richard said with a sad gloomy face.
"Well, have you heard about SSA?" I ask, it's time for the bullshit acronym phase of my plan.
"What is that?" Poor Richard asked with a small grimace.
"SSA Sulphiric Sumatra Acidity...I can't believe they don't tell you store employees about this anymore...unless the acid in that solution is neutralized on the tv, it could eat through and destroy the TV, you could lose your job then, you don't want that, right?" I asked waiting for him to take the bait.
Come one sucker...take the bait...
"HOW DO I FIX IT!?"He blurts grimace turning to hanging jaw.
"Well...you need urine...human urine..."
"How do I get that?"
"EGAD Man!, just pee on it!"
"Um..well..okay..."
I can't believe it...he took the bait. I've NEVER gotten one to take this easy of a lure before. Oh, and there's Clint sucking up to the manager now... Oh look, they're walking this way.
Richard just dropped his belt, fly and underoos...Oh hell no...he IS ACTUALLY GOING TO PEE ON A 42" 1080P Samsung floor model...Where's my camera phone? He looks at the TV, then suddenly the stream can be seen...Oh my...He had a large drink at the in-store McDonald's obviously...Oh and look there's the manager.
"CLINT! Why the hell is your new trainee peeing on a TV?" The manager yelled.
This particular Wal-mart was managed by Morton P. Rottenheiny. He was famous back at Wal-Mart division headquarters for turning an inner-city location into the equivalent of a suburban Target, cleanliness and everything! But this location never could get healed, never enough employees, they always got fired too quickly...
"Sir...I don't understand. Richard...why are you...?" Clint trailed off. He unfortunately couldn't bring himself to say the words that rought his career to an all-new low.
"SSA sir!"
Oooh...big mistake Richard, trainers are taught from birth to recognize naughty words backwards. The sir didn't help him too much there either.
"CLINT! Get this employee out of my sight! I want him gone now!" The manager boomed and turned plum red. At this point I had to duck behind some tires to laugh this one off.
"Richard...y-y-y-ou-ou're f-f-f-f-ired..." Clint stuttered out.
Richard looked at him for a minute. Waited for the stream (which was still going...) to stop. Zipped his pants up, then threw the wal-mart vest at Clint while walking out.
The manager ended up forcing Clint to restock the pet needs isle. I always do enjoy watching him squirm around the cat ladies...ah, so many hairballs. I made an effort to walk over to Clint now.
"I win" I say with a smirk.
Clint just looked at me and went back to attending his kitty litter. He'll ahve another one by next week. Too bad that he'll never prepare one for me. How happy that such a hopeful future (for me) can exist.
I walked out of the store with a laugh. Next stop, Target.
The Jackass Customer From Hell #1
I arrive in the workplace on time as always. Crack of noon, i'm never late. Oh wait, I don't work here, thank God, after all, no one will want to work here after i'm done with these pitiful failures of humanity. Working as a late night security guard does have one perk, I can have a second job for kicks on top of the first.
Ah, the local Wal-mart, the smells (Pork rinds, kids sharting in trash cans...), the sights (400-pound ladies in scooters, rednecks with mullets past the ass), the utter lack of decor. I do enjoy this stop everyday.
Oh look, it's the local employee trainer, Clint, better duck behind some local camo (Read: Aisle 9 clearance motor oil). Clint and I are mortal enemies destined to fight all the way to the next life. He vowed to assault me until the end of time, what a crazy... Something about the fact that I have a hobby of getting every employee he trains/attempts to train fired within a week of their arrival or less. (Ah good old Chucky, to think it took me seven days to get rid of your little face) Not my fault he never does seem to teach his employees what this customer wants...
Clint already has his newest baby with him apparently. The name tag, or rather, part of the trainee nametag that says "your name here" says Richard. Richard is a very depressed bald man with jowls and what appears to be a small scrape on his arm. He's obviously from a trailer park and just needed a job to pay the utilities this month. Let's see if Richard is up to Clint's usual lack of standard employee training.
I approach Richard, Clint is apparently cleaning one of their Value HD tvs with what appears to be a mixture of baby puke and hydrochloric acid with a paper towel to boot. He hands the bucket to Richard. Time for a visit from the know-it-all customer.
"Excuse me, does that solution properly work on glass; because it looks to me like that is too harsh on the glass. Recite to me the ingredients of the bucket." I say with my very typical hands on the hips.
"Look man, I don't know, my supervisor just gave it to me and said it would work." Poor Richard said with a sad gloomy face.
"Well, have you heard about SSA?" I ask, it's time for the bullshit acronym phase of my plan.
"What is that?" Poor Richard asked with a small grimace.
"SSA Sulphiric Sumatra Acidity...I can't believe they don't tell you store employees about this anymore...unless the acid in that solution is neutralized on the tv, it could eat through and destroy the TV, you could lose your job then, you don't want that, right?" I asked waiting for him to take the bait.
Come one sucker...take the bait...
"HOW DO I FIX IT!?"He blurts grimace turning to hanging jaw.
"Well...you need urine...human urine..."
"How do I get that?"
"EGAD Man!, just pee on it!"
"Um..well..okay..."
I can't believe it...he took the bait. I've NEVER gotten one to take this easy of a lure before. Oh, and there's Clint sucking up to the manager now... Oh look, they're walking this way.
Richard just dropped his belt, fly and underoos...Oh hell no...he IS ACTUALLY GOING TO PEE ON A 42" 1080P Samsung floor model...Where's my camera phone? He looks at the TV, then suddenly the stream can be seen...Oh my...He had a large drink at the in-store McDonald's obviously...Oh and look there's the manager.
"CLINT! Why the hell is your new trainee peeing on a TV?" The manager yelled.
This particular Wal-mart was managed by Morton P. Rottenheiny. He was famous back at Wal-Mart division headquarters for turning an inner-city location into the equivalent of a suburban Target, cleanliness and everything! But this location never could get healed, never enough employees, they always got fired too quickly...
"Sir...I don't understand. Richard...why are you...?" Clint trailed off. He unfortunately couldn't bring himself to say the words that rought his career to an all-new low.
"SSA sir!"
Oooh...big mistake Richard, trainers are taught from birth to recognize naughty words backwards. The sir didn't help him too much there either.
"CLINT! Get this employee out of my sight! I want him gone now!" The manager boomed and turned plum red. At this point I had to duck behind some tires to laugh this one off.
"Richard...y-y-y-ou-ou're f-f-f-f-ired..." Clint stuttered out.
Richard looked at him for a minute. Waited for the stream (which was still going...) to stop. Zipped his pants up, then threw the wal-mart vest at Clint while walking out.
The manager ended up forcing Clint to restock the pet needs isle. I always do enjoy watching him squirm around the cat ladies...ah, so many hairballs. I made an effort to walk over to Clint now.
"I win" I say with a smirk.
Clint just looked at me and went back to attending his kitty litter. He'll ahve another one by next week. Too bad that he'll never prepare one for me. How happy that such a hopeful future (for me) can exist.
I walked out of the store with a laugh. Next stop, Target.
